i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
