I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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