I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
