Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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