Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
