he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
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