Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Randomize
