A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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