My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
