Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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