I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
