I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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