it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
