Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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