my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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