We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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