If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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