I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
