I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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