Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize
