first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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