i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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