i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
My ass is underappreciated
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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