Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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