U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
