Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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