I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
