please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
