I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
