I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
