Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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