All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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