he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
