She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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