what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
