Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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