She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
