And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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