...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
