Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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