The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
