he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
and she was petting her beer can
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
