I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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