I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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