Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Just puked most of my soul out..
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
