my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
