Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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