i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
