Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
