3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
