It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
my nose is crying tears of wow.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
