So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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