God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
