I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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